Happily Ever After...?

”Why is it, do you think, that people get married? … Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet. I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything – the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All the time, every day. You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”– Susan Sarandon

When I was about to get married, at our rehearsal dinner, my folks encouraged everyone there to get up and give their advice on making a successful marriage. It was a very cute idea, and I even think that somebody video recorded the whole thing. Although I have to admit, some advice I took to heart, while others I promptly forgot. I mean, “don’t go to bed angry”….really? If that was the case, I probably would have been hospitalized for lack of sleep years ago. It just isn’t practical. People fight, especially when you live with someone every day, week in, week out, year after year. But I don’t recall anyone giving advice on how to have a successful marriage when you have children, whether they be autistic or not.

            There have been a few articles written on the subject, but in my opinion, too few. The most recent story that I have seen has been in the NY Times (article link here): http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/04/booming/autism-strains-yet-strengthens-a-marriage.html?partner=rss&emc=rss)

The statistics say that 50% of marriages end in divorce, and for parents of special needs children, that number is much, much higher.  A few years ago, when I was at an autism conference, I heard the figure of 90% being batted around. NINETY PERCENT. You can’t find those kinds of odds in Vegas. The question to me isn’t why it’s so high, but how to try to prevent yourself from becoming one of those 90%. The “why” part seems obvious to me. When you start out, it is just the two of you and (hopefully) that is great. And then you introduce a screaming, whiny, helpless “thing” into the relationship (and no, I am not talking about the mother-in-law), that now requires a lot of the attention that was being dedicated to just the two of you. Suddenly, the roles of the marriage have shifted, with one of you as the caregiver and one of you feeling like the shitty/absentee parent. I am generalizing of course; if I tried to cover every relationship scenario, this blog would quickly rival War and Peace in size. And as much as those of you that are reading this say “no, no, we share the child rearing role equally” or “that won’t happen to us, because I am going to make sure that carry my load”, I think we all know that is bullshit, to one degree or another. The scale is unbalanced, no matter how much you want it to not be, or how progressive your viewpoint.

Now throw in a special needs child in the mix, the scales become even more tilted to one side. Start adding in doctor’s appointments, therapy sessions, on-line classes, IEP meetings, support groups, and the like, and pretty soon there is no attention left to be dedicated to the two of you, all of it shifted to the child(ren) with the special needs.

So, what’s the secret to keeping that from breaking up the marriage? God, wouldn’t it be awesome if I knew that!  I love my wife immensely, passionately; but we are both human with our flaws (me more than her), and we are struggling through this quagmire, just as lost as everyone else. But I have some suggestions, of which you can totally use all of them, or flip me the bird and not use any. Or somewhere in between.

Work. Hard work. And teamwork. The big key to this it has to be done by both people in the marriage. Otherwise one person is going to feel left out and ignored, and the other one is going to resent having to do all the heavy lifting. That doesn’t mean that you both have to do the same things side by side all the time, or go to the doctor’s and or therapy appointments together. It means picking up the slack. For example, Diane does a fantastic job of getting both our children through their homework, something that I have no patience for. But for her to do that, she needs to focus fully on the kids, so I may help by making dinner, or emptying the dishwasher, or doing a load of laundry. You don’t have to move the world for the other person, but by doing the little things, you may do just that.

Communicate. Talk until you are blue in the face. Then talk some more. Even if it is about stupid stuff. Everyone just wants to know that someone is listening. And guys, this is the hard part…JUST LISTEN. (Trust me, I struggle with this more often than not.) As men we want to fix everything, but women just want someone to hold their hand while they vent. Or break down. Or both. Never stop talking. Once you start to think that you know what the other person is thinking or feeling, it will bite you in the ass. The communication also works well when it has been a tough day for CJ, and he is having an inconsolable meltdown, where no matter what you try to do, it has no effect, or worse, the opposite effect. A quick text of warning may go out to me as I am heading home, so that I can prepare myself for what awaits. This also allows us to tag-team the issue, allowing Diane to have a break in the basement, near the bar, while I go make my feeble attempt to calm him down or cheer him up.

Have each other’s backs. At least in public. I have my wife’s back and she has mine. And you will never see anything different. Even if we don’t see eye to eye on something at home, and I know that she is completely wrong, I will back up her decisions every time outside of the house. Weather it is the steps teachers or therapists want to take, or disciplinary actions with the kids when we are out on the town, I make sure she knows that I am on her side, even if we fought about it in the car on the way to wherever we were going. And I know that she has my back, and as much as she would like to hurl a dinner roll at my head on occasion, she backs my decisions whole-heartedly. Later, when the dust has settled from whatever the hell went down, and we are back at home, we will talk about what worked, what didn’t, and how to better approach it next time. (See what I did there? Brought “communicate” back into the conversation.)

Take time for just the two of you. Even if it is on a Saturday morning at the local coffee house. Spend time with just the two of you, without talking about the kids. Tough, I know, but someday they may fly the nest. And then all you are left with is that lump that has slept beside you for the last umpteen years.

Give each other time away. This one may be the most important. Everyone needs time to recharge their batteries. Both parties work hard in the marriage on different things, and that creates a lot of pressure. Whether it is a guys weekend camping, or a girls weekend at the spa, everyone needs a little alone time. Even if it is only for an evening of cocktails with the girls, or a Sunday football game at the bar with the guys. I always encourage Diane to get out on occasion; it allows me to focus all of my attention on my kids, gives me bonding time with just the kids, and allows Diane some much needed time away. Plus, it makes me appreciate all that my wife does when I am at work.

Will these things work? Who the hell knows. I am flying blind here, just like everyone else. Ask me after another 16 years of marriage. But I will say this, I may have dodged a lot of dinner rolls thrown at my head, but neither one of us has ever slept overnight on the couch because of a fight. We may go to bed angry, but we both go to the same bed.

Best of luck to you.